Resume

Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type
real quik wit one finggar
and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary
but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that
I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus
wat you want to pay
meand wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely.
Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short -
below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
(Embedded image moved to file: pic04503.jpg)



Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check

Coke VS Pepsi

A very Sad story

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!
"The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"The husband begins to tell his story . . .

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them."

"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower.While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.""I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

"The husband continues his story . . . . ."The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

Bush's Hotmail Inbox

RECIPE FOR LOVE

INGREDIENTS
2 LAUGHING EYES
2 WELL SHAPED LEGS
2 LOVING ARMS
2 FIRM MILK CONTAINERS
2 NUTS
1 FUR LINED MIXING BOWL
1 FIRM BANANA

DIRECTIONS
1. LOOK INTO LAUGHING EYES
2. SPREAD WELL SHAPED LEGS WITH LOVING ARMS
3. SQUEEZE AND MASSAGE MILK CONTAINERS VERY GENTLY UNTIL FUR LINED MIXING BOWL IS WELL GREASED ( CHECK REGULARLY WITH FINGER)
4. GENTLY ADD FIRM BANANA TO MIXING BOWL, WORKING IN AND OUT UNTIL WELL CREAMED. (FOR BEST RESULTS, CONTINUE TO KNEAD MILK CONTAINERS)
5. AS HEAT RISES PLUNGE BANANA DEEP INTO MIXING BOWL AND COVER WITH NUTS, LEAVE TO SOAK (PREFERABLY NOT OVERNIGHT).
6. THE CAKE IS DONE WHEN BANANA IS SOFT. IF BANANA DOESN’T SOFTEN, REPEAT STEPS 3-5 OR CHANGE MIXING BOWLS.

NOTES:
1. IF IN UNFAMILIAR KITCHEN, WASH UTENSILS CAREFULLY BEFORE AND AFTER USE.
2. DO NOT LICK MIXING BOWL AFTER USE.

I never take a Risk

I never take a risk ....
I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes
& wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Iyer is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take a risk

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A keen immigrant Indian lad applied for a salesman's job at a London's premier downtown department store. Infact it was the Biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in India", said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5:00pm came around. The boss duly came up and asked, "How many Sales did you make today?". "One" said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??." "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four pounds" said the young Indian.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well", said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one.

I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.

Then he said his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser" The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?".

"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's screwed, you may as well go fishing.'"

TOP REASONS WHY EVE WAS CREATED
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

BIRTHDAY GIRL
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

FAMOUS DRINKING QUOTES

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy


The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.--Humphrey Bogart

I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be Thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is find. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.