Jokes

Jokes

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Never Upset a woman!!!

Cool things about being a man

1- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2- Your orgasms are real. Always.
3- Your last name stays put.
4- The garage is all yours.
5- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10- Same work, more pay.
11- Wrinkles add character.
12- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13- Wedding dress $2,000.00; Tux rental $100.00
14- If you retain water, it's in a canteen
15- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17- One mood, all the damn time.
18- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19- A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20- You can open all your own jars.
21- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22- Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
23- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "he must be mad at me".
27- No maxi-pads.
28- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31- You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33- Your belly usually hides your big hips
34- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37- The world is your urinal.

Dictionary for decoding female personal ads...

40-ish.................................49.
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic..............................No breasts.
Average looking..................Moooo.
Beautiful............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure.............On medication.
Feminist.............................Fat.
Free spirit...........................Junkie.
Friendship first....................Former slut.
New-Age.............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned......................No BJs.
Open-minded......................Desperate.
Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.........................Bitch.
Voluptuous.........................Very Fat.
Large frame........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.

English translated

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry =You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk =You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead =You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10.You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Misleading the Public

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10.Don't even think about trying it twice

A lesson in customer service.

How is this for customer service. It happened at Heathrow Airport.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRSTCLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly through out the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "FUCK YOU!".
without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too

Laugh the FUCK OFF

FUCK:
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive Mary was Fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John),or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word fuck.Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud..............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble............."I guess I'm fucked now."
Agression........."FUCK YOU!"
Disgust................"Fuck me."
Confusion............." What the fuck....?"
Displeasure............"Fucking shit man..."
Lost........................"where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief.................."UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE!!"
Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
Apathy................."Who really gives a fuck?"
Suspicion............."Who the fuck are you?"
Directions.............."Fuck off."
It can be maternal........"MOTHER FUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......." It's four fucking twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a fucking asshole."

Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshema~
"Thats not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking celiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we Have a big fucking problem." ~the crew of Apollo 13~

Little Johnny

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class.....but she belonged tosomeone else.....one day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to herand said I'll give you a 1000 dollar if you let me screw you....the girl said NO.Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
I'll be finished with my work by the time you pick it up. She thoughtfor a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Herboyfriend says tell him 2 thousand, by the time you pick up the money hewon't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees. Half an hour goes by and the Boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....











she said THE B A S T A R D USED COINS.

Women are unpredictable.

1. Before marriage, she expects a man,
after marriage she suspects him,
and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much
that he would go thru hell for her.
They got married - and now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds :
"Wife wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing :
"You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car
with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you
can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some Kidnappers. The letter said, " if you
don't promised to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope
you will keep yours."

7. What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my
wife."
"What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."

8. WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her.
When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.
When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.
When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

9.Marriage Humour
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

* 5 secrets for a perfect happy relationship:-

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a perfect job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other

Little Billy Jokes

LITTLE BILLY ON GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that
candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"


LITTLE BILLY ON PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON MATH
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said
"Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."

"Tenjewberrymuds."

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest androom-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far EastEconomic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. JulySahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You! 're very welcome."

Ralph’s Surgery

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously."Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

Why Japanese Women don't smile!!

Lubricating Gel

Thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency, for a lubricating gel (K-Y equivalent)targeting the French market. They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.

The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details.... Apparently, it has created quite a buzz in Europe.

Who Looks Better????

The Original Happy Meal

Does it Work???

Men Think.....

Resume

Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type
real quik wit one finggar
and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary
but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that
I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus
wat you want to pay
meand wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely.
Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short -
below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
(Embedded image moved to file: pic04503.jpg)



Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check